It’s been a while since I’ve blogged mostly because I’ve been extremely busy but also because I started to feel like I had nothing of interest to say when in fact a lot has been going on in my life.
The last time I posted was a reflection of all my accomplishments in the past year. Since then, there have been some major accomplishments and some major set backs. Our first major accomplishment of the year was finally conceiving our first child. We found out in early February that we were pregnant and were expecting our baby to arrive on my birthday, Oct. 5th. Of course we were bursting at the seams with joy and excitement and couldn’t wait to announce to the world that our little family would soon be growing. A few close friends and family celebrated with us but we were waiting until the 2nd trimester to make any big announcements (telling everyone at work, announcing on Facebook, etc…) I had my first appointment at 8 weeks and got to see the baby and hear the heart beat. It was one of the most exciting times of my life but it led to one of the most heart breaking times in my life. While going in for an appointment at 12 weeks thinking everything was going great, we discovered there was no heart beat and that the baby had simply stopped developing right after my first appointment at 8 weeks. It was the worst thing that I couldn’t have possibly imagined. I had no idea that anything was wrong. And I still have no answers as to why it happened. If everything had gone well at that appointment, I would be making the happiest announcement of my lifetime right about now. I feel slightly robbed of that experience.
It has only been a week since we found out that our baby had passed and I have already gone through every emotion possible. Starting with denial…it took two nurses and my doctor to check for the heart beat with no luck and I was still stupidly happy that it meant we got to have an ultrasound and actually see the baby instead of just listening. It hadn’t hit me that this was possibly the worst case scenario until the doctor brought in the ultrasound machine and informed me that there was no heart beat and the baby was too small for 12 weeks. She ordered a more official ultrasound to confirm and I was still in denial, thinking maybe the bedside ultrasound machine she had used just wasn’t high-tech enough to see my small baby. I felt fine and had no symptoms of miscarriage so it seemed unreal that this could even be happening.
The next few days, I was depressed. I didn’t want to get out of my pajamas and just cried a lot. I couldn’t really talk about what had happened without tearing up and even reading supportive messages from my loved ones sent me into tears. I was a mess…puffy eyes, red face, and even though I did manage to shower, you couldn’t tell from looking at me. I was terrified to return to work after the weekend because I was afraid that even a sympathetic look from a close friend would send me right back into tears and I didn’t want to cry in front of my students (they don’t know that I was pregnant.) I can’t imagine having to explain that to 9 and 10-year-old kids! Luckily, I was able to pull myself together and make it through the week with no tears.
I’ve had moments of anger and jealousy which I know is natural but makes me feel like a horrible person. I’ve questioned if my doctor really knows what she is doing (even though I know she is a wonderful doctor!) I wonder if she should have caught something sooner and I get mad at her. I’m mad at myself for not even knowing my baby was no longer alive. I should have felt it…I should have known, but I didn’t. I’m mad that now every year on my birthday, I will remember the baby that should be celebrating her birthday with me (I say “her” because I had a gut feeling it was a girl – but it was too soon to tell for sure.) I’m mad that I never got morning sickness because at least if I was sick, I would know that I was still pregnant. I’m mad that when I am lucky enough to be pregnant again that I will be a nervous wreck, worrying about every symptom or lack of symptom and wondering if I am missing something again. I guess right now I am just mad…
It is easier to talk about now without getting overly emotional. In fact, I think that talking about it is how I deal with things. When I am stressed, upset, excited, whatever, I talk…a lot (maybe too much)…it is how I wrap my mind around what is happening. Right now, people are afraid to talk to me or don’t know what to say. I understand that it is a touchy subject and everyone who goes through it will react differently and cope with the loss differently. I feel like, for me, it gets easier the more I talk about it – I guess that is me accepting that this horrible thing has happened and I can’t change it. I still get sad and I have good days and bad days and probably will for a while but I’m dealing with it and I’m doing better than I was initially.
I should be 13 weeks today and ready to announce my pregnancy to anyone who will listen. I have been debating whether or not to post this because it is a very touchy subject and many people never talk about it. But, I feel like it’s not fair to my baby that the world will never get to know how excited we were for those 8 weeks. I don’t want to just move on like nothing ever happened…like the baby was never part of our family and never loved. We will never meet her on Earth but I hope that we will recognize her in Heaven.